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Here it is: I'm doing a simple translation of stirring testimony coming from a no-life. You may not understand the
whole thing but I wanted to have the whole text written up. The original comes from the boards of a massively multiplayer
Internet game, but the "no-life" attitude is a danger for every video game, especially the multiplayer games (WoW, Guild Wars,
Halo III or even Counter-Strike). Good reading and a small dedication to this player, whom we hope that he put his life
back on track.
What I have to say is hard and painful for me but more than necessary. I have no intention of writing it with the
usual care; for once, my remarks are not structured at all and are the results of the emotion I feel now. I would really like
that no censorship or anything related to it be applied to this text. I thank the staff in advance.
You will NOT see me on these boards or on Ogame anymore. The main reason: the consequences of my virtual
life caused on my studies and in my everyday life. I'm currently driven back, at the end of my first year as a student at
the "Superior School of Business" after an appointment at the office of the vice-dean responsible for first-year students.
The aftermath is catastrophical: absent more than 30% of the time, mid-term grades closer to 0 than the average, a position
of "class dunce" missed appointments, professors
that donot want me to attend their courses, etc.
The best thing I was suggested to do: repeat the whole year. After all, it only costs 7,000
euros. But I can repeat that year only with hard work and if I defend my case before a jury that (let's be clear
here) would do everything to see me get out of here. And expellation would mean that I would return with one year of lag in
university, more than 10,000 euros and two years of hard work in preparatory courses thrown away. Although
the people around me try to relativize things, I realized, in a brutal way, the waste that it would represent.
Until then, I was a brilliant student, having no worries in class, I could even loiter around sometimes, during midle
school, high school and even a bit during my prep course. But, during my last semester, I missed entire days of schooling
(staying home because I slept all day to recover from sleeping at 5:00), skipping many tests and exams, missing courses by
pure laziness, I also avoided social contact. I actually deprived myself from having a social life, ignoring
the various parties or social activities available. I also hid myself, telling lies to everyone. My 20th birthday
went unnoticed. I didn't even want to know why I had rings under the eyes, my repeated absences or the permanent
buzz in my ears.
When my parents learned the truth while I walled myself in lies, my parents didn't find the strength to scream at
me, they just expressed their deep disappointment and, for the first time of my life, I saw my father cry.
I would have preferred being burned at the stake rather than having to support that.
Even my daily grind was not familiar to me anymore: I slept with my street clothes on, I didn't have breakfast or
more than three full meals in a week. I also washed myself at random. I do not want to hide anything, I vacuumed my own
room twice at most last year, living in my own dirt, sometimes sleeping more than 24 hours in a row. I
fled from my friends, fearing to have to explain what I did all that time. The only meals I did were frozen meals and, by
pure laziness, that I washed only one fork or that I went eating in the nearby fast-food restaurant. I do not even talk here
about the darkest aspects of my psyche and my bestial behavior, for it would get over the limits of what can be said in a
message board, even under anonymity. I think you all guessed what term was behind that sad definition: NO-LIFE!
Even then, the term is weak: I became an intruder to my own body, more than
a virtual person that is disconnected from everyday life. I was not Nicolas but GT II, a personality that I appreciated and
I thought appreciated, but that isn't real. When in the real world, you morphed into garbage, it's quite
practical to seek solace in a virtual world while believing that it is where your real life is. Honestly, I cannot even
tell when I last had physical contact other than a handshake with a real person.
I was totally addicted. In fact, I became an addict all by myself. This term is not exaggerated at all
when we list all symptoms and the consequences it has on our life. A lot of people believed me addicted to marijuana or other
drugs by looking at me. Empty look, chronical fatigue, rings under the eyes, irrational behavior, say no more. I won't say
anything bad about the game because it kept me happy during that time.
I would have only one rant, now that I decided to stop hiding the truth. It's simple fact, really. The presence of rankings,
the fact that a successful raid is made in the enemy's absence and that the game is open around the clock make truly
competitive players, addicted like me. To wait after the midnight inactives, then the second wave of inactives
when the Transports come back, to launch the recycling who will be displayed in the Hall of Fame at 4:30 are all efficient
ways to ruin a night of sleep. I skipped three nights' worth of sleep, sleeping in class regardless of what
my professors could think about it. It's obvious that without the human presence behind these computer screens or without
this formidable community, the game itself would have no interest, due to the poverty of the game itself...
I'm really sorry to announce this to the people who made themselves an image of GT II as I showed it. This virtual
person is not my real self. I know that one is very tempted to associate a person on message boards to its avatar.
Thus, my "José" with his smiling face and his debonair attitude, certainly contributed to give me a positive image. In the
real world, I smile much less and, ideologically, I conflict on many topics with that person (not counting the fact that I
eat in fast-foods, even those with that scary clown). All those smiling smilies and that pink is just a small part of myself.
Most of the time, I'm silent, shy, sad, befuddled, borderline depressive and I even developed a dangerous tendancy
to misanthropy. My ironic, satiric remarks, my more or less acidic profanity is a result of the remoteness and
anonymity Internet gives. I would never dare say to anyone to go play in a culinary robot or anything in the like in the real
world (even though I'm tempted to do so quite often).
My real self, that I supported more than assisted during the last semester, here it is. I do not have pictures other
than those who have been stolen because I am disgusted by my looks. This is why I cannot stand to look at myself in
a mirror and this is why I hid behind an avatar who must have 100 times more charisma than I would ever have.
Yes, the long-haired guy whose eyes have been spoiled by its creator... I am so sorry for the lack of order of what I'm
writing but I want to leave this forum as soon as possible. It would be immoral to disappear from radar scopes without an
explanation, especially since I'm an operator-in-training.
Let's talk about the community because it's for the community that I continued to play so many hours
in a biased point of view. I can't get over the variety of personalities I could find. I know for sure that I could find them
on any decent chatroom but I couldn't believe it. In commcerce school, however, people tend to uniformize, to adopt
codes and rituals that I couldn't understand. There, I found a quasi-family who could cure all my frustrations that I gathered
for some time. But that remedy was found to be as much a poison as an antidote. I wanted to participate, taking as much time
to play as to take part in forum activities or later, the IRC when I discovered it. I'd like to end because I could spend
hours here as I already did.
For those who regard me as a pleasant, sociable or passionnate person, I'm sad to disappoint them but the
reality is not the same at the other end of the cable that links us. For those who quoted me as an example for a
few things, I'm sad to show them that the downside of it is sad and dirty and surpasses, in the negative side, every positive
aspect we could see through it...
That game and that forum represented an excessively large part of my life. This leisure transformed,
for me, into an obligation and, instad to occupy my free time, it's the time I was away from the game that was my free time.
My plea is imperfect anyway because I would talk about it for eternity, make other people realize to those who are at a less
severe stage of this dependence the dangers of such a blind attitude. The most important is never to lie to ourselves, from
the very moment where you say to yourself that you're missing plenty of things, don't smother these statements: listen to
them.
This game must remain a game and I now fear for the top 20 of the different
Universes, because they must not get to the stage where reality is lost in the fog. I will end by saluting everyone my thoughts
go to. I know in advance that I will forget a lot of people. Please forgive me for that. In normal stance, I would never omit
anyone on that list.
I had enough. I kiss everyone good-bye. When I proofread it, I see an insipid text in which I'm losing
myself but that's OK... the American-type lessons are not my thing but that's what one can conclude from this text anyway.
For my account in Universe 34, an Alliance "retaker" will use it. I officially request that my forum account be banned
and every account named Graveborn Tarn II (I know for sure that if I'm to play again I will never dare use another
name) be locked. I am really sick and a therapy is required. I must not go through the excesses that led
to my self-destruction.
I thank you for everything and again, good-bye. I have no intention to return here. Those who have to join
or to write to me have an e-mail address at their disposal.
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